The peril of the universal you

For those whose silence is loud.

Obligatory note: These are just my opinions. You may disagree. This does not mean that either of us are terrible people so like, take that into account.

“To those who are silent about this, we see you.”

“Your silence is loud.”

I cannot say how many times I have seen some permutation of this. It can refer to whether or not you are vocally supporting a union or a group of people undergoing something hideous at the hands of another group of people. It can refer to a famous person that people supported without knowing much about them but then something nasty came out about them and people are vocally saying how much they suck. It can refer to a news outlet that publishes something terrible and harmful.

The possibilities are honestly endless.

But this type of social media post tends to go far. It pops up on FB, the artist formerly known as Twitter, Bluesky, Mastodon, TikTok, substack. I’ve never seen a site without it.

It is a use of what I call the “universal you”. I didn’t come up with this. Someone else did, I think on the Xitter, and I wish I could remember who it was and thank them (if it’s you, or you know who it is please tell me! You are wise!). Because it solidified so many things about Very Online Discourse to me.

In French this wouldn’t be the personal, the “tu” used for someone you know well. This is the “vous.” “Vous” can mean “y’all,” it can mean “person I am speaking to in a relatively formal or professional context” (a server will use it, you probably use it to your boss or teacher), or it can even mean “person I only know well enough to talk some shit about the one thing I know about them.” When you meet someone for the first time you use “vous.” Having never dated in French I do not know on which date one moves to “tu” (I hypothesize it happens real quick because “tu” is used with peers when things are informal. French people please weigh in!).

In English, the universal you has all of those uses. But online? The use is shame. Universal you is to make the silent declare if they are for or against the thing you believe in. It can be used for everything from genocide to skinny jeans.

And no matter what it’s used for, the universal you gets LOADS of views, likes, and reposts.

There are loads of reasons why the universal you is a key to virality. Character limits mean “you” is much shorter than actually delineating the people you are talking about. And…well people really want to make an impression, a splash. People share it because they agree, they are angry. Anger makes for great virality. People often write it and share it because they are writhing inside in their own pain, and lashing out. People share it because social media has made us more capable, and also more rewarded, for judging people around us.

Shame like this is used to drive behavior, and it can be extremely effective. In the early days of COVID, it was used frequently to enforce masking. It can be used to make people stop littering or recycle.

Online, though, it’s mostly used to make other people feel like shit.

I think we can all agree that cats ALWAYS use the universal you, and they definitely mean it. Photo by Manja Vitolic on Unsplash

To feel bad about what they’ve said or not about something terrible, or to feel guilty they’re still wearing their favorite jeans.

That shame is often misplaced. Because the universal you? It doesn’t know anything about the individual you. It doesn’t know, and most assuredly does not care, what individual people are going through. The universal you doesn’t know that in fact you’ve been hiding from the news because seeing it gives you panic attacks. The universal you doesn’t care that you individually are not saying something because you simply don’t know what to say, and don’t want to post an uninformed take on something that is out of your lane. The universal you doesn’t care that you are in fact not as Very Online as they are, and may not even have heard whatever is happening. The universal you cannot bear to see anyone in the “wrong” cut of jeans.*

The universal you either wants individuals to writhe in pain with them, or provide a target for their ire.

I don’t think that the universal you has no place. I think its place is important. But on social media, it’s really, really overused.

On social media, I think the overuse of the universal you is a good part of what makes experiences there so toxic for mental health. The universal you may not MEAN the individual you. But it’s very very easy to take it that way. We are taught that “you” means you, and when we read, that’s how we are going to read something. It takes a lot of extra mental time to go “wait, does this actually apply personally to me?”

If you, the target of the universal you, receive one: take that mental step. Is this about individual you? Is this what needs to keep you up at 4am in your shame spiral?**

When you (yes, universal you) are using the universal you: What do you want? Who do you want to shame and why? Do you know why those people might not have behaved as you want them to? Did you ask? Do you care?

Could you, for a hot second, choose kindness?

Where have you been?

Is it reading this gorgeous interactive on loneliness? It’s told through individual stories and shows how social interaction impacts happiness.

Maybe it’s reading about how women were (and are) indeed hunters and the idea that we were passive gatherers makes no sense physiologically, anthropologically, or archaeologically.

Or maybe it’s learning that actually, most of our body temperatures are not 98.6 degrees! Knowing what yours is individually can give you much better insights into whether or not you’ve got a fever.

It is volunteering your mouse for an urban mouse project? I love the idea of this project, and seeing how populations of mice in urban areas change as a result of the humans they live near.

Perhaps it’s downloading a transit app that allows you to note how many rats you saw in the subway. I’m obsessed.

Maybe it’s thinking about how yes, humans are invasive AF, but we don’t have to act like it. Love these thoughts from Jacquelyn Gill.

And maybe it’s reading about these javelinas who are taking on the revolution against golf courses by digging them up for their tasty worms. Team javelina. All the time.

Cats have nearly 300 facial expressions. I love how they divide them in to pleasant or aggressive but there’s not a single category for judgmental! OBVIOUS missing category.

Where have I been?

Rather where will I BE because on November 2 I’m giving a talk with Erin Spencer and John Swaddle at the William and Mary Alumni Center about my book, and there will be FREE CHEESE. YES. YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.

*Y’all they are pants. Fight fast fashion, and wear what makes you happy til the item falls apart. If those are your skinny jeans, GET ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF.  

**If you are me, the answer is always yes.